End-of-Life Doulas: Care for Crossing Over
When hearing the word “Doula”, what immediately comes to mind? Most often a Birth Doula, or a Midwife. Birth Doulas have supported humankind since its creation. The term specifically comes from the Greek word doulē and translates to “female helper”. What an amazing calling, to be a part of a mother and child’s journey and that of their loved ones, in this earth plane, providing physical, emotional and spiritual support before, during and after.
There is another type of lesser-known Doula — an End-of-Life Doula, or Death Midwife. Both Birth Doulas and End-of-Life Doulas are similar in capacity. Both have been around since creation; doula even being noted in biblical times. As one is providing comfort and care to the mother and their child in the days leading up to and moments of and after birth, End-of Life Doulas are non-medical professionals that provide the same level of care for the elderly or terminally ill as they prepare to cross over. Birth is greeted with planning, compassion, kindness, emotions, and holistic ways of easing the pain with the transition into this life. Death should be catered to in this same way; however, this is not always the case.
The Discomfort of Death
Death is a topic most are hesitant to discuss. It is shielded away from our realities. Death represents our vulnerability and takes away from the Infinity complex a lot of humans have. Death can be scary, intimidating, and painful, and is not something one really wants to sit and think about.
In American culture, where there is this fear surrounding aging and death, it’s not as common to care for the elderly during their end stages, unlike in other cultures around the world. Chinese children care for their parents in old age. In India, elders are the head of the family, and sending them to an old age home has a social stigma. In ancient Rome, elders were a precious resource. Native American elders pass down their knowledge and accept death as a fact of life. In Korea, elders are highly respected. In the African American community, death is seen as an opportunity to celebrate life; the same holds true in Mexican culture.
Most of us are not taught — not by family or contemporary society — how to embrace death or even how to grieve. When someone has passed, they simply have passed. We send flowers and cards of sympathy and comfort via text, phone or in person; or we make a casserole or order evening meals to be delivered to the grieving, but we still move on with our respective lives. However, for the grieving, when their loved one’s passing becomes their complete present reality, the waves of grief, sorrow, pain, guilt, anger, and nostalgia happen all at once… “regular life” is no longer real. The grieving becomes real, and it ebbs and flows with no step-by-step formula.
Just as birth has an impact on our loved ones, death also has an impact on our loved ones, including the one in his/her final stages. And while in birth we woo and swoon, smelling and touching the precious little bundle of joy that enters this world, and care for the mother to ensure her rest and recuperation in this beautiful milestone of life, we steer clear of the same when it comes to the elderly and the dying.
Let’s delve deeper. Consider the human at his/her end of life, who may be overwhelmed at the thought of leaving this earth. Consider also the loved ones that surround him, but they may be exhausted with little or no help when caring for their life-limiting loved one. How can you manage all those raw emotions in place while the human is still alive when they are not openly discussed, or are being tip-toed around leading up to the final days? Where is the creation of a sacred space, filled with soothing sounds, calm lighting, and the love brought by visitors; yet also allows for the near-death human her respective time to rest, to get acquainted with the other side, to reconnect with loved ones who have since passed but are arriving to help navigate the passing energetically? Where is the encouragement to the loved ones that it is ok to release any emotional chords that are keeping the end stages patient holding on? Where is the respite care of the primary caregivers keeping vigil 24 hours a day with little to no help? Where is the conversation about the upcoming transition to ease the day-to-day where possible?
Naturally, there are variables in all lives, all situations, all scenarios. Not everyone has the luxury of caring directly for their parents, grandparents or other loved ones. Not everyone has the compassion or the financial stability or the time to do this. Furthermore, in today’s society, there aren’t enough formally trained caregivers to go around. Hospice care is amazing; however, the demand often outstrips the available nursing staff supply, leaving little room for the respite care of the primary caregivers, much less that of simply being, sitting and sharing space with the patient.
This is where an End-of-Life Doula comes in as a solution available to families whose loved ones are nearing these final stages. An End-of-Life Doula, their care team and network can be of immense help — sharing space, gracefully communicating, providing support, creating a sacred space and offering holistic modalities to ease fears, pain and more (think Reiki, energy cleansing, tapping, Guided Imagery, Hypnosis). All it takes is awareness that there is help available and many Empaths of this world naturally lead in this direction as a full-time job or simply to help their community.
Data and Duties For An End-of-Life Doula
An End-of-Life Doula is an individual who helps people nearing death prepare emotionally and spiritually, providing non-medical holistic help to the Client and their support system (including Respite Care). As INELDA (International End of Life Doula Association) communicates it: “In our modern western way of life, with the disbursement of families, multiple generations no longer living together, the over dependence on technology, and the bias embedded in our healthcare system, people have lost touch with the naturalness of dying and how best to support people going through it. As a result, too many people die in fear and unnecessary suffering.”
The main task of an End-of-Life Doula is to offer emotional support. In every word, touch, approach, and method used, we bring careful attention to the inner well-being of our clients. We believe in people. We honor life and the mysterious enigma of death. Our aim is to listen deeply and provide personalized, nonjudgmental care to promote our clients' growth and sense of agency.
Some important facts for you to consider:
● There are 76.4 million Baby Boomers in the U.S.
● 20% of the 76.4 million do not have their own children to act as caregivers (Source: US Census Bureau).
● By 2030, 1 of every 5 people in the United States — or 20 percent of the nation's population — will be age 65 or older.
● 9 out of 10 people want to be cared for at home if terminally ill. (Source: US Census Bureau).
● By 2030, the US will need 12 million new nurses. (Source: ANA American Nurses Association).
● By 2034, adults 65+ will outnumber children under 18 for the first time in our nation’s history.
● This demographic change is projected to continue and strengthen through the year 2060 (Source: US Census Bureau).
May we each celebrate life in the present, but may we also celebrate the life of our family, friends and ancestors. Let’s take a step as a community to contribute to those nearing the end of life due to being elderly or terminal illness. It’s time to care for the dying and those close to them with compassionate engagement and open-hearted presence. It’s time to remember and incorporate the traditions of our ancestors, and offer the inner healing and beauty that can be experienced among people surrounding the dying person. It’s time for us to embrace the end-of-life doula approach to care for crossing over.
To volunteer, please check in with your local Hospice Centers. In the DC Metro area, there are many to choose from. They will train you and then open the door for options of facility or in-home volunteer efforts.
